Everything is coming up roses...until it isn't
For the most part things have been OUTSTANDING! I've continued on my physical improvement and slow advances in my diet. Feel great most of the time. I've continued to discover what supplements are right for me in this journey, and when to consult my docs.
I''ve been able to try some vegetables (1-2 bites at a sitting) of raw and cooked zucchini, summer squash, radish, pea pods, onion, grape tomato, spinach, carrot, beet, pea, corn (like a kernel i mean). Fruits are going along nicely too (at a very conservative pace and serving size): banana, peach, necatarine, strawberry, raspberry, blueberry --- Oh MY! ...except for the carrot and beet, I haven't eaten any of these since just after my 30th birthday (11 years ago!)
I had forgotten how diverse one's diet could be after more than 15 years of having to increasingly restrict mine over time to "meat and potatoes" then ultimately meal replacement shakes. I have been working to reframe my perception of food and my view toward eating since for a long time I had to remove its importance and operate from an "eat (or drink as the case was) to live" perspective. There was no joy in mealtimes. I was raised from an Italian mindset---- food was life, joy, purpose. One was either shopping for a meal, preparing a meal, being offered a meal or sitting together with others for a meal. My #malrotation was not easy for the people who love me and were used to feeding me. Restaurants were torture, mainly for the company I was with---- it made people uncomfortable to eat around me. People would smile and try to act normally, but I could tell (counselor radar was never affected!) It was an enormous impingement on every gathering. And naturally I could smile back and nurse a glass of wine to seem involved, but the uneasiness was palpable since though I could hide my frustration and anger, I couldn't hide my physical body which was emaciating despite my efforts and clearly shocked those around me. I could see it in their expressions and hear it in their cautious word choices.
This body of mine was (and continues to be) such a double edged sword....over the last three years, my appearance would yield comments from those who were unaware of my health struggles like, "You look great," or "wow time has been good to you!" AH! If only that were true, right? The irony of my inability to eat and subsequent weight loss is that for the majority of my life I worked hard to LOSE weight (reference aforementioned Italian heritage and food mindset). I tried various eating plans and worked out for the better part of my life and would watch my weight yo-yo similar to many others. Post-children.... yup! never lost my "baby-weight" due to my health issues precluding physical activity which would undoubtedly bring on an intestinal episode rendering exercise not worth the trouble....
So.... on the one hand YAY! I finally lost that weight and people were commenting on how "great" I looked. But wait a second! At what cost? And would all these same people, or others, or myself still think I looked "great" if I were to find a health solution and regain some weight since my lowest very unhealthy low was 93lbs going into surgery and 89lbs postop? If I looked so "great" then with my pallor off and no sparkle to my eyes, what would happen if and when the doctors fixed my GI system and I was able to eat quasi-normally again? I had gotten so used to being so little. Eating was not a priority. I liked my shakes because I could "eat" without a meal slowing me down (since we all know I think I'm superwoman and an't sit still EVER). But what would life be like if I was ever "cured?" And why are we all so damn focused on weight and appearance anyhow? Jeez! I hate that part of our culture. I am raising children in this culture and I will try hard to encourage a healthy body consciousness without causing them to obsess over what they LOOK LIKE. I try very hard NOT to use say things like we should or shouldn't eat this or that, or how many calories is this or that or pass any sort of judgement on others choices. I simply state that we need the right fuel in our bodies to keep up with doing the things we love to do at the level we want to do them (my kids are very into sports!) and I also encourage a healthy active lifestyle because our bodies like to be active and activity can help us manage our frustrations and sleep better. But I digress....
Alas, I AM here.... on this side. I've gained almost 20lbs and the clothes I had to buy to fit my tiny frame are starting to get tight. I am not overeating and I am keeping my ratios of proteins/fats/carbs/fiber as well-balanced as possible given my present dietary allowances. And I never. stop. moving! (I'm like my mom, gramma and nana in that respect. Sitting down for any length of time is rare.) But my body is holding on to every blessed little calorie like it's its J-O-B! Likely afraid the windfall will stop and it will need to go into self-preservation mode again.... So the weight keeps creeping on...
My body is healing which is incredible (the human body really is a marvel!) and my strength is returning more each day. But all of this isn't without its drawbacks --
I still have to wear the abdominal binder more due to fear of herniating and needing surgery again than requirement. The surgeons support my wearing as the longer the better for healing in their view.
My healing body and weight distribution is awkward to say the least. Bulges. Tender spots. Weird and excruciatingly painful reactions to monthly hormonal shifts, unpredictable intestinal processes (read between the lines), tighter fitting clothes and endless reminders from well-intentioned loved ones of my physical limitations. Not to mention the scar from breast bone to pubic bone (literally). This surgery was #luckynumber7 for me, but man! you never really get used to seeing your body all carved up with scars.
I am desperate to start to run again and do yoga but being told NO WAY from Cleveland surgical team (at least not yet...6mos to a year they tell me!). One would think that I'd have gotten over the vanity of appearance by now.... but I guess old habits die hard and accepting that patience is a virtue has never really been my strong suit.
But as we all know by now, if you've followed me at all, I am not a dwell in the negative person! NOPE! There is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for! I have played football and soccer with my beautiful kids! I see the joy (and relief ) on their beautiful little faces when they see me as a normal mom and not a sick mom! I have taken the dog for very brisk walks (damn her little legs can MOVE!). I don't panic before every bite or sip I ingest because I am learning (slowly) to trust my digestive ability (albeit I am still cautious and tend to stroke my system in the ways I know it needs). I have successfully tried many foods that were old favorites! I am planning vacations with friends and family (still with a touch of anxiety due to the aforementioned hurdles and bumps, but still!). I cleaned out my medication drawer and was able to THROW AWAY certain meds because I both do not need them anymore and they EXPIRED I hadn't used them in so long!
Things are not "perfect." But really, are they ever? Don't we all have moments and days of smooth sailing and then rocky seas? Don't we all wish this or that about ourselves or our lives? I believe that my job is to find the joy, keep finding the positive because at the end of the day, THAT is what I want my kids to see. I want them to know that sure, they may have seen me struggle, but they NEVER saw me quit. In fact, I want them to RECOGNIZE the struggle and remember the FIGHT. I want them to adopt my attitude that there really IS always something to be grateful for and that it's okay to cry it out over something that ails you, but that pity is not a place to live. We pick ourselves up, we move forward and we fight another day. We advocate for ourselves and don't expect anyone to swoop in and save the day. We save our OWN DAMN DAY!
I am in a good place more often than not right now. That is more than I can say for the last decade! I am realistic about my situation. I am honest with myself and others. I still have limitations and will continue to try to overcome them. But if I can't, then I need others to acknowledge and accept that. My body and situation are unpredictable. They likely always will be, but I cam coming to terms with that. I am lucky to have an incredible support network and literally could not put one foot in front of the other each day without those people (you well know who you are!).
I am blessed. I choose joy. I choose me.
