Fierce Freedom

Hello Fierce Friends! It has been a REALLY long time!!! I have been focusing on my personal wellness and my family’s wellness, but it i HIGH TIME for a Fierce reminder! So here goes….

So I just passed the THREE YEAR anniversary this past February of my life saving surgery. I was aware of the day. I acknowledged it… had a moment for myself… then realized —- I made it. I made it to the time point of exactly how long the “worst” of it was that I have been better. Though the saga lasted more than 15 years, for the worst three years I was on a liquid diet, counting the seconds of intestinal spasm duration as a means to distract myself from how excruciating the pain was…. worrying about if this particular transient obstruction was “the one”…. should I go to the ER…. will this pass… ? It was really a rough ROUGH road. I knew it was. Honestly I did; but I also knew that I wasn’t going to go out like that. I resolved to fight. There was a point I accepted my fate, so to speak, and assumed this was my cross to bear and as long as all things stayed constant I’d be fine. I could handle this. But realistically, I was losing weight like crazy…. approaching 95 lbs… pale…dim… I have a fierce spirit and that likely saved my life, but realistically, honestly, I probably shouldn’t be here. What my body went through, what my mind went through was a hell I’d like never to return to; and I know my doctors and family here all were worried too.

I have been contacted recently by prospective patients of my esteemed saviors Dr Kareem and Dr Costa (who has actually moved on from Cleveland Clinic). I find that I am reluctant to speak to others…. It is hard for me to encourage them. I am finding since I am learning that most people want a quick fix; a miracle. Not many are willing to put in the work that it takes to fortify one’s wellness. You see, I committed to it. Mind, body and spirit - I listened to my body and set my mind to being well. I had to make HUGE changes to my lifestyle to give my body what it needs to thrive. I am finding that others are not necessarily seeing that though Dr Kareem is a GENIUS, his fix isn’t absolute - it requires a whole boatload of work on the patient’s part to ensure success and wellness.

I have written before about my eating and lifestyle - I am vegetarian/pescatarian, dairy and gluten free, all organic and local. I practice yoga as often as possible and I get outside in the sun whenever I can. I work as a school counselor in an urban district which is particularly stressful right now given the country’s stay-at-home orders and increased stress due to the coronavirus. I am, like many other parents, serving as mother/counselor/teacher/coach/doctor/athletic director/camp counselor and all around organizer to my own children while trying to serve the district I work for to the best of my ability. Like many of us - I am tired, feel defeated at times, need my space, have anxiety about the new normal…

But the thing I have in my back pocket that has served me well since the day I was born is my undying fierceness. I refuse to succumb. I have always refused to succumb. I take what I am dealt and see how I can work it to my benefit. So… I get the kids up and fed and on their home learning and then do yoga and mindfulness practice. This fuels me. I respond to my children when they need me; I check to be sure they are on task. I plan healthy and savory meals for the family and plan time for everyone to get outdoors and be active. I really do follow a “schedule” and it serves us well.

A lot has happened in the last several months… in my personal world and the world at large. None of us knows exactly what the new normal will bring, but I stay grounded in knowing I have all the tools I need within me. I can do hard things. I can manage my own wellness and that of my family. I can safeguard myself and those I love. I can contribute to society by the work I do and by the safety measures I take. That feels good.

So I don’t have all the answers and I know and accept I cannot control everything, but I know that I have the power to choose in me and that power cannot be taken away. Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. I BELIEVE that. Really, I do. If I want to feel miserable - well ok. If I want to take control of what I am able - well ok to that too.

This quarantine has had a few silver linings - more time with my kiddos, less racing around to extracurriculars, the ability to create a school counseling program that makes me feel proud of the work I do. There are some things that are outside of my control - the virus, my husband is an RN at a local hospital - that is SCARY! My OCD runs rampant worrying about his exposure to covid-19 and the subsequent exposure of my kids and me…But I know I have the ability to choose my thoughts and actions. I can choose what I spend my time focusing on. I choose to control what I can and roll with what I cannot.

I have learned in the last three years that being FIERCE has way more to do with my mindset than anything else; that showing FIERCE to the world has more to do with how I approach my challenges than how I fare against them; that being FIERCE is a CHOICE that I have every single day and that I cannot ever take for granted that I am here to make that choice. I choose to remember that everyone else shows up the best way they can - this has led to far less disappointment and much more calm in my life. I choose not to let others’ intensity be my intensity - just because someone else is struggling does not mean that I have to struggle. I have learned that self-care is about listening to my voice within and letting her speak her mind when she needs to. I am thankful that she is a fierce guiding light and I promise to care for her always…

FIERCE IS A CHOICE. Let that resonate for a moment. We all have the choice. I am not special… I just learned how to listen to and nurture my fierce and let it guide me. What is your fierce saying to you? What does it need from you? How can you encourage your fierce to find its way out into the world? I promise you if you take the time to answer these questions for yourself, you will discover a level of peace and happiness and empowerment that you never thought possible. Trust me…. find your fierce. It’s there. You just have to set it free…