Desperate Gratefulness
A year ago I found myself in the most desperate circumstances I had ever been, and that frightened the hell out of me! Today is Thanksgiving, which felt like the only day a blog post this month could be written. There was a journey of a million miles between then and now and today I am given pause to reflect on all that it took to get me here. This month I have been focusing my daily Little But Fierce Wellness posts on Facebook on promoting a grateful heart. To be honest, even through my darkest days I was always able to find SOMETHING for which to be grateful. That, I think, is one of the traits out of which #littlebutfiercewellness was born in the first place. But today is different. Today marks the beginning of the 2017 holiday season and boy! am I in such a different place in life this year than I have been for any holiday season over the last decade!
"Grateful" is generally defined as feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness, but when you dig deeper and pull apart that definition it can encompass much more than merely an appreciation of kindness. Thankful. Appreciative of benefits received. Affording pleasure or comfort. Agreeable. Pleasing to the mind or senses. When you stop to define "grateful" in finer, more tangible detail it becomes clear that true gratefulness is a profound, whole-body experience.
I have learned through this healing and wellness journey that my mind is fierce, my heart is kind and my spirit is braver than I ever could have imagined. A year ago I found myself in the most desperate circumstances of my life. No answers, just pain...and fear. But then came the strength, the passion, the fight, the resolve. Thankfully I have always been the kind of person who doesn't accept limits to my capabilities, and this character attribute has served me well over my almost 42 years. A year ago I had no idea just how well it would prove to serve me.
Little But Fierce was born. I took to social media and medical journals. I networked to both coasts and borders. I told my story to anyone who would listen and followed up on any avenue I could. Sure, this was all encompassing, but so was the pain and the episodes...and the fear. This was what I could do. I couldn't fix my screwed up intestines and other organs, but I could fight like hell to find someone who could! I had been pleading with doctors for over a year, begging someone to tell me something other than they were sorry and there wasn't anything they could do. I had seen a gastrointestinal specialist, two renowned general surgeons, a holistic nutritional counselor, an acupuncturist, a naturopathic physician. I sought counsel from vascular physicians and surgeons at some of the "best" medical facilities in the country. I had every test conceivable. Tried more medications that I can even remember. And the answers were still the same - we're sorry Darcy. What?
But then...all the fighting, all the pleading, all the perseverance, all my resolve and stubborness finally paid off. Hope. There ya are. The Department of Intestinal Transplant and Gut Rehabilitation. Wow that's a mouthful! I had been saying for YEARS that I needed someone to take my insides out, untangle them all, and sew them into the right places. And voila! That's exactly what the brilliant surgical team at Cleveland Clinic did for me. I have previously written in detail about what the surgery actually entailed and the journey therein. It was a doosey. Seriously. But today...today I am not afraid. Today I a not in pain. Today I am not even fighting. Today I am simply grateful.
#Littlebutfiercewellness is who got me to Cleveland in the first place. Being grateful for each moment along the way, as trite as that sounds, fueled the strength that propelled me forward to fight another day - finding that thing, that one thing every day, that made the fight worth it; the only thing each day that could bring joy to my heart; the reason each day I would smile and maybe even actually laugh; that true desperate gratefulness that can only come from grave circumstances. Sounds like a contradiction - desperate gratefulness - but this phrase is the only way to describe the intense, deep level of emotion I felt, that I had to feel, to continue the fight despite the grim prognosis and continued pain and episodes. THAT gratefulness, my intense resolve, my fierce mind, my brave spirit, my kind heart is what I am truly thankful for this Thanksgiving. They are what got me here, and I am truly, madly, deeply, desperately grateful for each one of them!
Stay fierce, friends. Happy Thanksgiving.
