fierce /firs/: (of a feeling, emotion, or action) showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity.

"How are you feeling?" - Now THAT is a question I am asked A LOT!  Thankfully I am able to respond with a cautious, don't-want-to-jinx-myself "For the most part - great!"  And although I am historically the Princess of Positivity, I want to pause for a minute on the "cautious" and "for the most part."

I AM feeling great for the most part, but every time I answer that question, a feel a momentary flutter in my heart and belly.  I feel for one fleeting yet agonizing moment that doubt creep its way through every fiber of my being; that momentary anxiety caused by the surgeon's brutal honesty that "there's no guarantees" and "it's a new procedure," and "It's in God's hands now."  Naturally Princess Positivity swoops in fairly quickly and I push those fears as far far FAR away as I can...until the next time.

I did not have any expectations 7 months ago pre-surgery other than to be able to eat solid food again and possibly throw a ball with my kids (not too much to ask, right?).  Hell, I just wanted to wake up.  I was realistic about the journey upon which I was embarking.  But Princess Positivity who strongly believed it was time to fly never really considered the lingering effects of the years of intestinal dysfunction.  I was so used to pushing through and keeping my daily responsibilities of work, wife and mother despite it all that I never realized how deep the impact was going as I trudged. 

Now as a school social worker with a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology I obviously understand and recognize mental health symptoms and diagnosis, but this...THIS is different.  This is not a mental health disorder.  This is not an unrealistic fear that has "marked impairment in daily functioning."  No!  This is real, based on fact and experience.  Fears and anxieties are a normal part of human existence and, in fact, a part that is essential to our safety and our survival.  I'm talking about that normal fear that keeps us all safe walking alone in a dark parking lot; that voice inside that tells you not to get too close to a stranger; to be cautious with what personal information you share aloud in public places; to lock our doors; to be aware of our surroundings; to be reasonably prepared for a disaster.  It's called self-preservation.  It's the natural innate fight-or-flight response, also know as the acute stress response which is managed by our sympathetic nervous system, taking it all in and responding accordingly.  

Survival of the fittest? YUP! All thanks to this lovely little complex autonomic nervous system response.  And we're lucky it's there.  I certainly am.  For me, I've learned that my current fight-or-flight response activation is directly related to body processes, foods or activities that have historically caused me pain, an episode or a hospital trip.  More often than not I am brave and bold and try this or that anyhow - I am Princess Positivity after all, right?.  But, ugh! there are a few things from which that sting was just so severe that even Princess Positivity has her momentary meltdowns.  It's pat of being human.  And I accept that.  It's all part of the healing process.  Hell!  It's a basic human process - healing or not. 

But --- and HERE IS THE MAIN POINT OF THIS 7 MONTHS POSTOP POST --- but then I take a deep breath, use my very skilled pragmatic thinking and choose.  I CHOOSE.  I choose to continue to freak out (rarely).  I choose to do or eat whatever triggered me in the first place --- or not.  I choose to utilize whatever resources I have in my proverbial toolkit and figure out how best to move past the meltdown and deal with the real situation at hand rather than the impact of 16 years of past cumulative situations to which this current moment may or may not actually be related, connected, or similar .  I choose.  And more often than not, I choose to relax and be patient with my body as it continues to navigate its way through this very unchartered water.  

The bottom line -  I CHOOSE. I am an educated, experienced counselor.  I am an intelligent, mature woman.  I manage and navigate very complex social, emotional and educational cases at work daily.  This is the past experience that drives me forward.  These "successes" if you will, are the past that I choose, more often than not, to influence my daily life.  These past experiences I hold to for the strength people often comment on; the strength to continue not to let the fear paralyze me.  I do not ignore the fear.  Therapeutically I realize I have to acknowledge it, let it in, hold its hand ---BRIEFLY---then choose to let it go based on all my strength and history.  I know this.  And it is what fuels me.  

Knowledge is power, trite as that may sound.  If you're finding yourself in any struggle - knowledge is your greatest strength.  Use that knowledge to fuel your courage.  Then CHOOSE.  Do not let the fear paralyze you.  Recognize that it is ok to meltdown, but it is not ok to dwell there.  Build your knowledge so that you can be confident in your choices.  YOUR CHOICES.  

And remember to breathe in your courage and breathe out your fear because YOU are in control and there is always, ALWAYS something to be grateful for.  We just need to breathe through the fear, open our eyes and see it...

Thanks for reading <3