Shall We Dance...?
Well it happened…. a true scare. A moment came that forced me to hold my breath and fight back the tears. A moment so real, so intense that I was instantly brought back to the dark and scary side I thought I had left far far behind me. The rhythmic pain. The definitive spasms. I found myself fall right back into the patterns of behavior to which I had so been accustomed - watching the clock and timing my pain waves; laying flat; listening to calming meditation music; using my hot water bottle. What happened? Why!? No!!!
It’s amazing how the mind and body have “muscle memory” and pick up coping mechanisms just where we left off last time. I wasn’t expecting this relapse. I certainly was surprised and terrified when it came on. And despite my uncanny ability to remain positive in the face of adversity, I was frozen for a few days after the episode subsided. I chose not to eat solid foods for fear I was strictured again. I stayed hydrated and was gentle with my body. And even though two days passed without so much as an inkling of a pain wave, I just couldn’t bring myself back to the courage. It took three days before I felt ready to try solid food and even when I did so, I was wrought with anxiety and was deliberately slow in my process of eating.
As it turns out - apple is not so good for a previously malrotation intestine. Who knew?! I recalled the day after the episode that I had sampled a few bites of caramel apple when cutting it up for my children. Never again! My best guess is that an undigested piece of apple fought its way through my unique system that wasn’t all too excited about its presence. Once it got through I felt fine. I’ve felt fine since. But that night - that night was terrifying. In an instant I saw hospitals and doctors and surgery. In an instant I lost faith that I was healed and had to claw my way back to Princess Positivity’s Throne!
But alas, I AM back on my throne albeit reigning a little more cautiously. I think the main take away from this setback is that Although I really AM healed, I will never be “normal.” There will always be challenges to my system due to all it’s been through. I believe it’s my job to be quiet and listen to my body; to really remember to treat it with the respect it deserves after all its struggles. I don’t mean to sound all my body is a temple but it actually is a little but that way. We can’t abuse our bodies and just expect they’ll continue to bounce back and perform. We need to nourish our bodies; to give them space when they need it and remember all that they’ve been through.
I feel strongly that there was never a “back to normal” to my recovery. It’s a new place, as my husband acknowledged. I’m still figuring out the rules of this new world and quite frankly so is my body. I’m certainly hoping not to have any other episodes but if I do, I will listen to what it’s telling me about the choices I made and make adjustments accordingly. My body and I are still learning the steps to this complex dance. I need to remember to ask it who’s leading each time…. Find your fierce, friends! And thanks for reading! For daily inspiration and wellness musings check out my Facebook page Little But Fierce Wellness or find me on Instagram @littlebutfiercewellness
